Facing a moral dilemma?
Question by Allie: Facing a moral dilemma?
During my pregnancy, I had a falling out with my family. They were very unhappy about the baby and had no problem saying so. Not going into too much detail, I am married, we’re stable, responsible, self-sufficient, etc. Simply, everyone seemed happy for us except family, who said things such as, “You shouldn’t be having a baby, I hope the baby is born retarded, don’t bother sending pictures of the baby”–hated the bedding, hated the nursery color, we couldn’t do anything right…That list is continuous. The stress became too much and I couldn’t continue contact.
We lost the baby two weeks ago, due to premature labor. The hospital gave us pictures and mementos of the baby’s short life. We did not contact this family during labor, delivery, or after. Part of me is believing what we experienced is karma & I should contact this family. Part of me doesn’t want to deal with it because it was a toxic relationship & nothing would change (I KNOW nothing would change because this has been going on for years. I would be expected to apologize, then it would go back to how it was-guilt trips, feeling the need to have “permission” to do anything…). On top of that, I’m not sure how heartfelt the words were about sending baby pictures or wanting nothing to do with the baby.
I’m afraid they will eventually find out and I’ll be hearing, “You’re such a horrible person for not even telling us.” But I’m also afraid of contacting them now and hearing, “That’s what you get,” or, “Why are you even telling us?”
Either way, I’m almost positive there won’t be much sympathy, support, and I’ll hear about how I shouldn’t be complaining because their life is so much harder.
I do not want to continue a toxic relationship, but I also feel badly about not telling the family about the birth and death of this baby. I’m paranoid that my actions caused this, but I’m not sure if this is part of the grieving stage or not.
Has anyone ever been stuck like this?
Best answer:
Answer by Witchy
“I do not want to continue a toxic relationship”
Then don’t. You admit that nothing good would come from establishing contact with them again. Let it go.
Yes, it’s part of the grieving process. If I were you, I would want for them to feel hurt as if what they said caused the loss of my baby. You know that’s not true, though.
I’ve had two miscarriages (but I wasn’t as far along as you were). Both times, we were deeply hurt. It took months for us to deal with it. That’s normal. I wanted to blame other people. I blamed myself. I wanted to put blame SOMEWHERE. Anywhere. Sometimes I lashed out at my husband.
But deep inside of me, I knew it wasn’t anyone’s “fault”. These things happen sometimes. Then I was simply left with a deep sense of loss and heartbreak. It’s hard to deal with but bringing those people back into your life will NOT make it better or easier. Just take it a day at a time. It will get better.
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