“Avoid getting into a battle of wills with your toddler” is great advice, but what if you’re in one?
Question by dmg: “Avoid getting into a battle of wills with your toddler” is great advice, but what if you’re in one?
My 18 month old has very recently developed a habit of tugging me places when he wants me to do something. In the beginning I didn’t mind – I’m happy to play what he wants to play, get a snack or whatever. The problem is that for the last day or so he has been tugging me CONSTANTLY. As in, even if I’m in his playroom, sitting on a stool, he will tug at me and whine because he wants me to sit on that chair over there, or on the floor. If I comply, he will tug at me again to get me to go back to the stool, or somewhere else.
Obviously this needs to stop, at the very least because it’s totally annoying. But I’m not sure how to express to my toddler that Mommy is happy to play she just doesn’t want to be *pulled* at. I’ve trying giving him the words to express what he wants (“come!”) but he seems disinclined to use them. I’ve tried walking out of the room while he threw a huge fuss, but that was more for my own sanity than because I thought it would really help him understand. We went out for coffee this morning and we’re visiting a friend this afternoon, but it’s snowing so we can’t go to the playground. It’s challenging because I really don’t mind coming where he wants me to go, from time to time, but it can’t be all day long, for no reason.
Mostly what I’ve been doing is simply refusing to move when he tugs me and screams and trying to interest him in some other activity from where I’m sitting. Which is pretty much a textbook case of a “battle of wills” and doesn’t seem to work at all. Anyone else have any ideas? (suggestions that I “swat him on the butt” or anything like that will be ignored, so don’t bother, sorry.)
Best answer:
Answer by Lesha
tell him no do not pull on mommy, give him one warning if he doesn’t stop ignore him and walk away. when he finally stops doing it and stops screaming go back to him and play. if he starts to do it again just repeat until he finally realizes he can’t do it if you give into him it just shows its ok to do that because he knows just how to get mommy to do things. It will happen just have patience i know just how annoying it can be with a 2 year old. Good luck
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Tags: advice, Avoid, battle, getting, great, into, toddler, wills, You're
April 30th, 2011 at 1:27 am
“… at the very least because it’s totally annoying.” seriously made me burst out laughing.
I’m sure he understands a lot of what you say, even if he doesn’t say, “come” so I’d try when he tugs on me to just say, “Mommy will come over there but you must stop pulling me first” and sometimes just, “No, Mommy likes this spot just fine.” That would work with my daughter, but she’s a bit younger than your son. I’d also include the gesture when you ask him to come somewhere so that maybe he’ll pick up on that, rather than pulling you.
My 2 year old nephew is allowed to tug his mom around, apparently, and tries to pull around my daughter. She was a willing participant, but he has made her fall down numerous times doing this so we’re encouraging him to stop pulling.
April 30th, 2011 at 1:30 am
My daughter is 15 months and tugs when she wants to be picked up and if I dont the fit begins, I have always given in because I dont want to deal with the tantrum and I work full time so I dont want her to be unhappy when I am home with her.
The only thing I can think of is maybe give him is favorite bear and say “take bear over there with you” see if he might think his bear friend is fun to play with.
April 30th, 2011 at 1:59 am
We use sign language to help bridge the gap between not speaking and knowing what they want. Just having a few baby signs helps alot : ) Otherwise, I ignored my son and showed him the sign along with the word. He could use either for me to heed his request, but otherwise, I’d turn every so often and give him a kiss on the head, but otherwise just ignored him until he communicated appropriately.
Good luck!
April 30th, 2011 at 2:31 am
My daughter does the same. I think it’s sort of cute, but I do not give in all the time, either. Basically my approach with all discipline matters is patience. I know that I as an adult can always out wait my daughter’s attention span. So if I have something else to do, or plain don’t want to move, I tell her so and stay put. My daughter can’t physically move me and after a bit of screaming she gives up on it and looks for a new thing to do.
I found, that this approach generally works very well for my daughter and me. If I have to forbid something to her, I just repeat myself until it sinks it. So far, she is very good at respecting the limits imposed that way. The only thing that I have to be careful to avoid, is to first say ‘no’ and then giving in, because that would confuse her.
April 30th, 2011 at 3:07 am
Not particularly insightful or catered advice, but would a complete redirection and distraction work? Maybe get up and take both of you into a different room in the house and immediately jump into something fun.
What kind of consequence is naturally connected with him pulling at you all the time? Since I don’t actually know you, I don’t know if I can really answer that, but you can. I’m not suggesting that you actually just walk away from him and do the whole “ignore the tantrum” stuff, but is “I can’t play with you right now because you’re pulling at me too much and it’s annoying” a natural consequence in your home? When he constantly pulls at you, would you be comfortable telling him (verbally and non-verbally) “I love you and want to play with you, but I don’t like you pulling at me like that. I’m going to go into the kitchen to get a glass of water so I can take a quick break, then I’ll be right back and we can play again?”
You could also see if the behavior starts to subside after you take the initiative to “pull” yourself to him before he comes to get you. If he can start to realize that (not that you haven’t always been, but now that he’s newly aware) you’re happy to be with him and move around the house with him and see what he’s doing, he may be more willing to stop pulling you around since he knows you’ll come on your own.
April 30th, 2011 at 3:46 am
I have had that issue with my daughter before and my son. I just let them throw there tantrum and calmly told them mommy does not understand crying so you have to use your words. At first it didn’t work and i had to constantly remind them to try to use there words. I don’t know if your baby talks or not but if he can at least try to use words then just keep on insisting. For example he wants you to sit somewhere else then you tell him you have to say please sit here. Once he attempts to say it then you can go sit there and tell him see if you use your words mommy can play with you whatever you want to play. I worked for me. Good Luck!