Anyone else who lost their first having this problem?
Question by gimmenamenow: Anyone else who lost their first having this problem?
Here I am, 30 weeks along in my second pregnancy, finally starting to show hard, about at the same point I was eight years ago when I went into premature labor and lost my first son (renal agenesis, but that’s beside the point.)
Point is… the attention from people is great, “Oh, how far along are you?” “You look wonderful!” “Do you know if it’s a boy or girl yet?” (Which I don’t know and don’t care, this one has two kidneys and a bladder, thank you very much, and my typical answer to “What are you having?” is “A baby.”) All the typical stuff is fine and dandy and great, but I’m always at a loss at “Is this your first?” Part of me wants to say “No” and go into what happened, but then again, it’s one thing in this semi-anonymous situation of online discussion, a complete other in real life… these people don’t need to know, and I don’t necessarily want to completely overlook my first, but I don’t want people’s pity over it either… I started saying yes, it’s my first, but still…
Anyway, anyone else dealing with the same problem? And if so, how are you handling it?
Best answer:
Answer by RE
I had to deal with this 28 years ago. My first was kidnapped at 17 months old. When I was pregnant with my second and people would ask me if this was my first, I didn’t know what to say, either.
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Tags: anyone, else, first, having, lost, problem, Their, this
March 24th, 2011 at 4:26 pm
i’m sry to hear that. my mom went through the same thing so i know how you feel. my condolances.
March 24th, 2011 at 4:29 pm
Look at it this way… they’re asking if it’s going to be your first child. Which it will be. I’m so sorry that happened to you and it’s horrible, and I’m sure something you don’t want to talk about. It will be your first child so you aren’t lying by saying so. Not everyone needs to know what happened.
March 24th, 2011 at 5:19 pm
So far everyone that know that I am pregnant again already knows that I have lost a baby. I am not showing yet so I don’t know what I am going to say if someone ask is this my first I didn’t even think about it until now. I guess depending if I know the person or not then I will just say “yes” this is my first and if it someone that I am getting know on a deeper friendship level I will let them know this is my second pregnancy however I lost my firs baby.
March 24th, 2011 at 5:37 pm
i’m not dealing with this considering i’m thirtheen haha, but i’m still here to help
and uhm, i’m really sorry about your frist, and when people ask you if its your first, just say something like no, but i don’t want to talk about this. when you say yes you’re acting like the first child you had, but lost, never really happened, and it did, i think you should just tell people that its not your first, and leave it at that, and once again i’m really sorry about your first child… and happy easter!
March 24th, 2011 at 6:35 pm
you could say ‘unfortunately my first was born too early, and unable to survive. we are very excited to have another chance’
not too many details, isn’t an insult to your first by leaving them out, and a simple explanation. if some asks for details, (who would? how morbid) tell them you’d rather focus on the joy ahead instead of the past and the pain.
my condolences for your angel, and congrats for your new joy!!
March 24th, 2011 at 6:59 pm
If you don’t know them then don’t tell them anything it’s not about looking past your other baby it’s just that it’s not there buisness.. Obviously if people in your family don’t know then you didn’t feel comfortable telling them.. I would just tell them yea it’s my first but you know it’s really not and it saves you from having to give them the story…
March 24th, 2011 at 7:57 pm
I can definitely understand why you want to keep it short with strangers and say “yes” to it being your first as it is not their business and may also provoke your emotions (and you don’t need that right now).
However, I think it is important to recognize your first child, so I feel that saying, “No, its not my first” is also important for the reason being that you did have another child. You do not have to get into a lengthy discussion with anyone about details.
I think it is going to be a case by case basis and its going to be up to your discretion.
Good luck with your pregnancy and congratulations.
I am also sorry for your previous loss.
Be proud and never feel intimidated by those you’re approached by.
Many blessings.
March 24th, 2011 at 8:12 pm
my condolences, you have an awesome sense of humor. You are not lying if you say this is your first as technically this will be your first when its born. You don’t need to explain to anyone anything if you don’t want to.
[quote]
“Do you know if it’s a boy or girl yet?” (Which I don’t know and don’t care, this one has two kidneys and a bladder, thank you very much, and my typical answer to “What are you having?” is “A baby.”)
To RE, did you ever get your child back? am curious.sorry.
March 24th, 2011 at 8:28 pm
I lost my last child so I feel your pain in having to say any about that to someone that doesn’t really know you or of this.
I agree it’s none of their business and their unintentional mention of it is something to only reopen the wound in this, so I would personally say that I would rather not talk about it.
If they can’t see that as a hint to drop it then just ignore the question as you’re not obligated to answer. If someone says they’re sorry to hear in response I would say thanks and then change the subject or use the excuse you have to use the bathroom, etc. In that condition that is expected to do alot.
I feel you need to focus on the one you are expecting and congratulations on the good news of their results from what you have listed here on their seeming healthy. Enjoy your new arrival. They grow up fast, so make the most of their youth.
March 24th, 2011 at 9:10 pm
Simply say…”we lost our first, but we are elated and excited to finally meet this little bundle of joy”!! Leave it at that. You are recognizing your son while expressing that you are happily having another child. If asked what happened, tell them just what you told us, that you lost your first son 8 yrs ago because of renal agenesis. It is not a pity party, it is a part of who you are.
March 24th, 2011 at 9:16 pm
I am so sorry. I lost my first daughter at 28 wks. She had tripolody 69–2 sperm fertilized the egg at the exact same moment in time. Hey, but the odds were like 1 in 3 trillion that it would happen again. Nothing will make you feel better until you hold your living child in your arms.
Is this your first? I found it best to say “yes and no our first daughter was still born. They usually leave you alone after that. I’ve never felt comfortable with a pregnancy because i was a nervous wreck. My first experience kinda ruined it. I kind of held my breath and counted down until the child was born.
It got a little harder for me when our next daughter was actually born (healthy). Is this your first daughter? Ugh. Now what do you say? This is going to sound silly but a tear drop shaped stone represents the loss of a loved one. I bought a birth stone ring that was (pear shaped) a tear drop shape for the daughter i lost. Now when people as how many daughters i have i say 5 but i rub the ring as i answer to remember my 6th daughter that no body sees. It helps with the guilt.
Hearing your baby cry will be amazing. Thats what i remember most losing my first was the silence. Once the pregnancy is over you’ll feel better at least i did. Parenting was new, everything was a first again. That was a nice feeling. I think you’ll be an amazing mother because you won’t take one moment for granted with your new child. I will keep you and your baby in my thoughts and prayers.
You are not alone.